In Which I Have a Squirrel in My House
The other day I was talking with a friend at work who lives alone. She’s one of those folks that senses spirits and can see auras, and she told me a story that, frankly, sent chills to my nether regions. Apparently she woke the other night and perceived a “malevolent spirit” crouched in the corner of her bedroom watching her. Naturally it scared her to a ridiculous degree, and she immediately leapt up, turned on the lights, grabbed a crucifix and started praying. Now, I don’t know if there was actually something there or not – could very likely have been – but it makes you think. There’s something that scares all of us.
Speaking of terrifying, home ownership, guys. The other day there I was working along like the valuable employee I am, when I heard a twang, a thump, a scurrying and what sounded like paper rustling over by the fireplace. I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention at first, because I have dogs, and I’m used to that kind of ambient noise in the house as they move around. But it got louder and thumpy-er and finally I looked over to the fireplace to see what that noise was, and damned if it wasn’t a squirrel in my wall.
The noises went on for HOURS. Clearly Rocky was making himself at home in my wall. I said a prayer that if God would just get rid of the squirrel, I’d be ever so grateful. No dice. God was not cooperating that day.
The noises went on intermittently for several days. It sounded like the thing was trapped, because I could hear its claws scratching the chimney like it was trying to climb out, but I also heard rustling like it was in the wall. Each day my sphincter clenched a little tighter and I developed an absolute loathing for that squirrel.
I prayed HARD, guys, for the squirrel to just disappear. If I’d had a crucifix in the house, I’d have wielded it. I had no plan: covering up the holes would just trap the thing in my wall. Cleaning the chimney was an option, but the squirrel wasn’t in my chimney. He was definitely in the walls.
I began to loathe squirrels on principle now. I AIMED at them when driving and one was crossing the road. I kid…I didn’t, but I wanted to. Every time I saw a dead squirrel in the road, I hoped it was “mine.”
What would you do in that situation? Well, I called the pest control people, who incredulously listened to my issue and started talking about how they wouldn’t be catching any kind of squirrel, but they could go around my house for an astronomical fee and shut up all the holes where the thing had gotten in. They suggested that I call a wildlife rescue who could try to get the squirrel out, or a contractor who could tear into the wall and remove the squirrel. In the meantime, that damned rodent was making him- or herself at home, and possibly having babies since it’s springtime and everybody’s procreating at this point.
Well, it’s been three days, and SILENCE. I don’t know what to think. Either the squirrel found its way out – and it will be back – or it’s expired, and I’ll soon have an aroma wafting through the house. Or…? God hooked me up? I honestly don’t know what to think, and the ostrich part of me wants to just bury my head in the sand and ignore the whole thing even happening. Which I think I’ll do. After all, ignoring a problem always makes it go away, amirite?
