Why I'm Still Single
The other day I saw an article about how this woman had found an old 1958 McCall’s magazine with an article brainstorming ways to find a husband for the “sixteen million women over the age of seventeen who are still waiting for a marriage proposal.” GASP. EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD and UNMARRIED. Someone retrieve my hartshorn!
In the interest of sociological studies, I decided to see if any of these 129 ideas hold water for me, since I’m all of 45 and have yet to find a daddy for the dogs.
The first 13 ideas were not altogether promising…
I’ve had a dog for 17 years. How much longer do I need to walk it?
What constitutes a “strategic place”? In front of a BBQ joint? At a Def Leppard concert? The contractor’s pick-up lane at Home Depot? I don’t have time to waste.
If I knew what men liked, that would help. With the advent of the metrosexual, you can’t just assume it’s guns, Beechnut and Wild Turkey.
I live on a prairie. The last time I saw a “hill,” I was in Colorado and it was 2017. I went on a hike with 3 girls. I’M DOING THIS WRONG.
I own a house. I’m immobile, for the most part.
By all means, I find ear hair and dentures soooo attractive.
That reminds me, I took Golf 101 in college as my PE credit. Thought it’d be an easy A. It was not, because my putting sucked – and still does. ANYWAY, I live behind a golf course. I walk my dog between the 15th green and the 16th tee all the time – see #1. I’m combining tactics already to save time and effort.
I shut long distance relationships down after the 10th time one didn’t work. There’s only so many times one can go back to that well. Fool me once, fine. Fool me eleven times, I deserve to die alone and dried up.
“Feeeed the birrrrds…tuppence, tuppence…”
This actually sounds fun. Dating would ruin it.
Too late. I’m not going back to school, my GP is a female, my dentist is happily married, and I’ve already dated a couple of lawyers. No, thank you. I don’t want to argue my entire life, and in my experience, that’s what they want to do.
And high burnout and affair rates too, is my guess.
This is not an altogether bad idea…*
So we have one good idea (and you’re saying there’s a chance…)!
*Texting all my friends who have husbands, which is my entire Contacts list, except for the ones who have wives. (I’m kidding. I texted nobody. Still single.)
For anyone who’s single and desperate (or anyone who wants a legit good giggle), here’s the link to the article. As for me, I'll keep trying.
