Things I Continue to Do That As Yet Have Not Yielded Results in Which I Am Satisfied

I wrote this in 2018, and with a few adjustments for my advancing age, it still stands:

10 Things I Continue to Do That As Yet Have Not Yielded Results in Which I Am Satisfied

1. Shop at my neighborhood market and expect to receive any semblance of customer service during checkout from the poorly-trained, surly and semi-inarticulate people that make up the majority of their workforce. In twenty years, I have yet to be thanked for patronizing their establishment, and if they don’t start soon, I will keep shopping there because at my core, I’m a fundamentally lazy person and a creature of habit.

2. In an effort to be self-sufficient and hold down the expenses – and deny my advancing geriatric-ness – climb up on a step ladder to adjust the drapes and expect to wobble all the way up and down the rungs without some kind of Lucille-Ball-esque pratfall that leads to an Ace bandage and ibuprofen for 3-4 days.

3. In an effort to be young, hip and trendy, purchase and apply a matte lip product. In doing so, glue my lips to each other for 12 Infallible, Long-Lasting, No-Smudge, Kiss-Proof hours. Bonus points if I deposit a Dawn Dish Soap grease-cutting-power-impervious film on the rim of every glass I use, so that I have to run them through the dishwasher at least 5-6 times because, God forbid, I apply some elbow grease and handwash.

4. Hope that my dogs will live forever in excellent health, or at least as long as I do.

5. Drink any amount of alcohol – no matter how restrained – and expect to A) accomplish anything the following day, and/or B) be in a good mood for at least 3 days following.

6. Fancy myself a runner and start the Couch-to-5k Program to get back into shape. Repeat Week 1 for at least three weeks in a row. Get annoyed with my lack of stamina. Stop the program altogether. Feel fat. Eat my resentment for a month, and then re-start Week 1. Rinse and repeat.

7. Take my vehicle in for an oil change and tire rotation, and drive off with new rear struts, an air cabin filter replacement, and a complimentary car wash, because Bud the Mechanic sees a sucker.

8. Wake up during the dark, cold months of December – March with the hope of any kind of will to live.

9. Anticipate that Facebook will suggest ads in my feed about anything I’m actually interested in purchasing, despite any random conversations the Secret Microphone Spies might think they’ve overheard. I am prepared to swear on the Holy Bible that I've never at any point in my existence searched on or had a conversation about vaginal dryness.

10. Eat at Ernesto’s Fine Mexican Dining, otherwise known as Señor Gusto’s Colon Blow.

2024 UPDATE:

5 Additional Things I Continue to Do That As Yet Have Not Yielded Results in Which I Am Satisfied

11.  Buy shoes online in the size that I was in my 20’s. I’ve heard that one’s nose continues to grow well into our geriatric years, but feet? I’m not certain why I can’t seem to wrap my brain around that I’m a size larger in my 50’s and keep ordering my previous dainty size.

12.  Refuse to raise the ornament level on my Christmas tree with Nole around and instead think that yelling “no” when he starts sniffing the branches will suffice.

13.  Cook anything from scratch – even with a recipe. I am best when heating up a bag of chicken tenders and eating them by dunking them in ranch while standing over the kitchen sink, but every now and then I think I can win at life by dragging out a mixing bowl and a whisk.

14.  Anticipate that I can drive on Highway 380 without sinning an egregious number of times by turning the air black-and-blue and prodigious use of one finger.

15.  Listen to secular music for a few days and feel clean, encouraged and uplifted. Case in point: “Taste” by Sabrina Carpenter.