Plumbing the Depths

This morning I was in a good mood. I’ve been in several of those lately, and I’d like to continue to ride this wave as long as possible. However, HOME OWNERSHIP. PLUMBING.

There I was, post-shower and rubbing anti-aging schmear on my aging face, when I heard a dribble where no dribble should be.

I inspected the shower, and all is not as it should be: water is dribbling out in a continuous stream. I turned the handle on and off, jiggled it, looked up under the shower head and got a snoot-full of warm water.

I talked myself through it: OK, you can do this. This is not a big deal. You is strong, you is kind, you is important. Just turn off the water, call a plumber, pay through the nose, gripe on Facebook. This is what you’ve trained for.

I stomped out to the curb in the frigid pre-dawn darkness in my house slippers and robe and couldn’t see a thing. So, I stomped back to the house, grabbed a flashlight and my water-turn-offer gadget, and finally turned off the water to the house.

I texted the guys at work.

sk: Guys, I have a plumbing issue, so I need to work from home today. *pauses, thinks, texts some more* A literal plumbing issue, not a lady parts thing. That wasn’t a metaphor.

Then I called Plumber #1, who said he was really busy today. I called Plumber #2 and explained the problem. Plumber #2 said my Moen shower cartridge was bad and gave me a part number to call Moen and get a free replacement. “Call me when it arrives,” he said. “For a low, low price, I’ll replace the cartridge.”

sk, thinking critically: What are the odds I can just go to Home Depot, buy one and replace it myself? STUPID MOEN CARTRIDGES. You can do this.

So off I went to Home Depot and had a nice conversation with a couple orange-aproned guys. I bought a Moen cartridge and remembered that my parents were driving down to Texas today, so I texted my dad an offer he couldn’t refuse: come be my plumber’s apprentice.

It turns out, Frank Kalin is an excellent plumber’s apprentice, if apprentices do all the work while I stand around and read the directions and tell him he’s doing it wrong. Within 20 minutes, we had the shower cartridge replaced and put back together. I went out to the curb and turned on the water to the house.

Upon initial review, my apprentice had done a fine job under my supervision. At the handle’s 6 o’clock position, the water was off as expected. At the 3 o’clock position, the cold water turned on as expected. At the 9 o’clock position, we had hot water as expected. But – and this is where things went tits up – at 12 o’clock the water inexplicably shut off UNEXPECTEDLY.

Back to square one: we took the thing apart and had a blazing row about what “we” did wrong in the first place. Mom was in the living room texting Heather, and from the back room, I swear I heard her cackling. I let the old man know that he was on thin ice apprentice-wise, and if he couldn’t figure out what a “flat notch facing upward” meant AS PER THE MOEN DIRECTIONS, he needed to step aside and let the amateurs handle it.

Dad threw up his hands and stormed out. I stood there, drenched and madder than a wet hen. This is what happens when you get two Kalins in the same room working on a project; we’ve been known to construct some really fine patios and solve some complicated jigsaw puzzles, but hard heads do prevail at times.

He returned, I apologized, we made up, and eventually, my shower was back up and running the way it should be.

All in a Thursday’s work. Only $51. El Cheapo Rides Again.

*self-five*